If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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