And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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