all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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