Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
