You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
