the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
