I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
