Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
