Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
