... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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