they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
