they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
