I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
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seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
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Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.