she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
