Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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