I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
