somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize