So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
there is puke in my bra ... again
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