If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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