we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
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I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
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why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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