I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
