I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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