oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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