She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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