i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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