i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
