So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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