his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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