I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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