I cannot find my penis.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
