walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
