i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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