it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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