oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
