i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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