I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
