I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
