i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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