i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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