I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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