I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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