Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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