if i can run in heels then i can drive
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Did I show you my penis last night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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