His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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