I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
