Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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