I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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