Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
