Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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