i used baking grease as lip gloss
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
