1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
