I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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