Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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