dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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