i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
