May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
