I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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