I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
