I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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