I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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