If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
